Ryuukun wrote:Go is wonderful but I have unsolved Psychic Problems which hold me back from playing.
You're standing in your own way. I'll be blunt, and I don't mean to offend, but I feel you're making excuses, mostly to yourself. Most people here perfectly understand what it is like to run into self-esteem issues, the "feeling dumb", the moments of resignation, the times of depression when it all seems hopeless, and when negative thoughts become overwhelming. Depending on your age, you can add regret and "I'm too old" doubts to that list.
So, you're not alone with this, and I'd even say that the majority of people who learn the game online experience this self-confidence rollercoaster ride. I understand that today everything is a "psychological problem", which is very convenient, because it removes any form of personal accountability and shifts the responsibility away from us, but it might just be as simple as a normal behavioural difficulty that you have full control over. If you want to have that control and make a grab for it.
You could look at this as an opportunity to work on these issues and feelings, instead of plainly stating, "I can't.". Yes, you can, it's just not easy (Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can or can't, you're right."). So maybe start with that and understand that most people aren't born as masters in any given field. It's nearly always hard work with plenty of setbacks, and part of that hard work is to deal with discomfort and doubts. Because if you deal with this in Go, chances are you deal with it in other areas of your life as well -- areas that may well be more significant than this wonderful board game.
So since I can't play I wondered if I can still become good. Becuase when I'm good I can play since I don't feel ashamed of my own bad play anymore.
Yes, you can play, you merely choose not to face the difficult feelings that playing poorly causes. You write that you're ashamed of your bad playing. Why? You can even make a new account every so often, no one really knows you, no one really cares how well or terrible you play. Other than yourself, and you can make the deliberate choice to not care.
Not only to not care, but to start focusing on the tremendous value of messing up and making mistakes! You see, every time you spot a mistake you've made, it will mean you have improved! That is awesome and it's like an imaginary "I GOT BETTER!" bell ringing. Basically, you can either think, "I suck so bad, I'm so terrible, I'll never be any good!" or instead say to yourself, "Great that I saw this! I'm obviously improving, so now I have to practice more and remember this mistake and not repeat it as often!". You choose how you respond to a mistake, and the way you respond decides how you feel. Is it easy? Nope. No one promised you that it would be. Is it possible? Absolutely.
It's certainly a lovely dream to just read and watch games, maybe do some problems, and then BOOM, become a dan level player. That might even work for very few people, but it almost certainly wouldn't work for you, because these "unresolved issues" that you believe to have won't go away if they are not actively worked on. That means "doing".
Sure, right now you think that if you were only 1 dan, you would not feel so bad about how you play. But if you were 1 dan, you would feel exactly the same about your games as you do now, because the actual cause is completely unrelated to your playing strength (I know you firmly believe that it is, which is how you trick yourself). So then you wouldn't play until you are 5 dan. But oh wait, stronger players will demolish you and you'll fumble, so, no playing until professional strength! Oops, professional players still lose a lot! Then what? Besides, unless you're 5 years old and have a professional trainer, you won't get as strong anyway, and you don't have to in order to enjoy the game!
In the end, it's perfectly normal for people who experience anxiety or self doubts to be convinced that if this or that condition became true, they would easily be able to do what they are unsure about or afraid of, but it's just self-deception. A coping mechanism, granted, but one that goes in circles and doesn't serve well.
Becoming "good" at Go is a journey, and as every journey, it begins with the first step. So go and play Go, and face the ugly feelings. They'll eventually go away. But they won't go away by trying to bypass them. They may even get uglier if left unchecked.
