Life In 19x19

(Ranks are based on kgs)
30-20kyu: frustrated because i could not see the board
20-15kyu: very happy as i was learning so much, every game was super exciting
15-10kyu: "wow feeling": there is even more depth to this game than imagined!!!
10-8kyu: "downfall in fun" this game requires reading in order to win, not just remembering patterns, need more practice.
8-5kyu: whooaaa my game is so much better now i read everything
5-?:(current) ...

So I think my fun has been going like a rollercoaster.
When I learn something new I'm really excited about it.
Like when I started playing "influencencial games" for the first time.

But then usualy right after that I face stronger opponents who teach me for example that using thickness requires a lot of reading.
Then you realise that you have to go back to studying more in order to get past this barrier again.

In a way this is also fun but when you feel that you are improving (drasticly changing your game) then I think you have the most fun.

I still have lots of fun and hope that I will keep having fun for a long time.


Have fun

Otenki

I can't generalize and say I have more fun now or back then in the beginning because I have only have fun or feel relieved when I play good
But I never forget my pride and happiness when I captured my first stone in my first tournament (I learned the game maybe three weeks before) or I read the first ladder correctly. It was all like "I drew first blood" and now I am going to win all the games. Of course I've lost all my games at this tournament
But even now I feel the same, when I play a strong game or at least read a complicated sequence correct. I think this is also my motivation to keep playing, to find good moves.

One thing that did not change so far was that at any rank, I always feel like an imposter:
- My same rank opponent plays clearly better throughout the midgame and loses on a big blunder (happens frequently and is kind of disapppointing).
- My opponent is not clearly behind, but resigns (happens occasionally).

In both cases I feel like I did not deserve to win. Since I do not want to give the opponent the same feeling, getting a higher ranking comes with an increased anxiety not make stupid mistakes.

But if it was a good close game where I don't have the feeling that either party made a stupid mistake, it is as much fun as ever...