Life In 19x19

An absolute mess of a game between myself and Tom today. I hesitated about posting this one but some people might find it interesting to look at. The top left, well let's just say my brain decided to go into silly mode for that phase of the game. I lost my focus several times during this game (it was long at 3 hours due to us chatting during the game, smoke breaks etc) including the point where I forgot I owed a move for an eye on top.

We were playing with extra komi for white to make things interesting for Tom and give me more practice playing white in even games. The result with komi was B+2.5. Anyway, enjoy.

Thank you Ed.

I played a dreadful endgame in this game. Plenty of other mistakes too I'm sure. Still it was a fun one. I really enjoyed the endgame here even though I did it poorly.

Thank you Ed.

As the depression ebbs thanks to the Lithium I feel my enthusiasm for go returning in a way that hasn't been there for many months tracing back to my mania in July and the subsequent long depression that followed it. I'm back playing on OGS and DGS again, although with the latter due to time outs whilst depressed I'm 21k. I'm watching videos, I'm reading books but most importantly I want to play daily again which is a nice feeling to have back. Not much else to say really.

Some comments.

Thank you Bill.

Thanks, Bill. My feeling was also a pincer on , but I wasn't sure of the exact location (3rd line? 4th line? 1-space, 2-space? etc.), so I kept quiet.

So some updates:

My style is changing, I'm becoming more aggressive. I'm getting some lessons from topazg. Very enjoyable. I'm rereading Fundamental Principles of Go and Attack and Defence, both are making more sense to me this time around and I finally managed to beat Tom in an even game though I got lucky and Tom made some mistakes. We had the go club tonight, myself and Tom played a simul on 5 stones against the new 2k. We both won our games, though in very different fashions.

Anyway, the game with Tom:

The lithium seems to be "pooping out" and I'm back to being depressed, though I'm functioning better than I normally do whilst depressed so I suppose I have to take it given that I cannot take antidepressants and my lithium dose being at what's normally the maximum outside of a manic episode. I have drugs to help me sleep but the non-addictive ones don't seem to be working and the addictive ones I'm slow to take, so 4-5am bedtimes might be the norm for the next while.

Anyway, go:

I finished Tesuji by Davies over the past few days. I tried to read it around 20k but got nowhere with it, I just hadn't seen/played enough games for the moves to make sense to me and the problems were far too hard. This time around the book and the problems were quite enjoyable. I'm looking around for another book, mostly because I enjoy reading go books rather than thinking I'll get much improvement from reading one. I've been playing quite a bit on OGS and DGS, turn based go working out a lot better with young children than finding an hour or two to myself to play a real time game. Which brings me to musings about turn based go for improvement which is a tricky question. My expectations aren't very high. Getting more games in can't hurt anyway and besides which, it's fun.

I whine too much in this but I suppose part of this thread's purpose is to chart the journey of someone with my particular brand of little to no remission bipolar in go. I'm rather depressed at the moment but my go seems to be improving according to the people at the club. Apparently I've made good progress since the tournament. Considering my usual depressions mean getting nothing done the lithium seems to be helping. I had an interesting experience at the club, I played a game with one of the local 2ks even (she was nice and I only lost by 20 odd points), but during the game it was a blessed relief from the negative cycle of thinking that's going through my head constantly. It reminded me of something Ed said months ago about go being a form of meditation. I could get absorbed in the game and reading out sequences and forget for a while all the negative self-hating stuff that normally dominates my thinking when I'm like this. I would be hesitant to go as far as saying go is therapeutic whilst depressed but the meditative aspect and the concentration training it provides are definitely positive things.

I also read "All about Thickness" over the past few days. It was very interesting, if very concise.

I'm also running an experiment on OGS: to try and tenuki a lot more. Yes, I'll get punished and lose games over it most likely (especially against stronger players) but I need to unlearn this habit of following my opponent that I picked up as a DDK.

Boidhre wrote:I'm also running an experiment on OGS: to try and tenuki a lot more.

Random assortment of some of my thoughts after my opponent plays a move:

Damn insomnia. I can't seem to fall asleep at night and can't wake in the mornings, it's driving me a bit mad. I slept 14 hours yesterday. How you're supposed to get things done like this is beyond me but try we must and all that. At least my sleep hasn't completely reversed (this happens) and I'm around to help with the kids from school to bedtime which is the hardest part of the day.

So I've been doing problems, lots and lots of problems. The reason, they grab my attention and keep the negative thoughts at bay. Playing games does this too but it's far harder to find over and hour free with young kids than it is to find 5-10 minutes to do some problems. I've been managing to get the odd game in here and there but mostly it's been problems. As the depression deepens I'm finding it harder and harder to take turns on OGS and DGS, hopefully this changes. I'm almost finished Graded Go Problems for Beginners 3 and find the fourth section to be a really good fit at the moment in terms of difficulty, I can do most of them but the mistakes I make are helpful in showing holes in my reading. I think I'll pick up volume four very soon so I can try the first section of problems in that.

The adage, worry about getting stronger, not your rank is somewhat amusing for me at the moment as I don't have a solid rank anywhere. Getting stronger I am but I've no way to quantify it other than by reducing handicaps with regular opponents which is less than ideal as they themselves are improving too. I just don't play enough on KGS to have a meaningful rank there and inferring rank from who you play regularly is error prone. All I know is that somehow despite the worsening depression I'm getting stronger by all accounts. The Lithium seems to have rather fundamentally changed my experience of depression.

Anyway a game, my only one at the heady heights of 5k?