Trolling 101
Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 7:03 pm
I'm not great at communicating. My boss at work says so, too. So I joined the toastmasters program through my work. There are a few different meeting formats. One is impromptu speaking, where you are required to speak for a couple of minutes about a topic you haven't prepared for. Another is the prepared speech format, where you prepare a speech, and then present it to the club.
I'm not great at either format, because like I said, my communication skills are not great. Nonetheless, like anything else, I think I need to practice to improve. So, I joined the club.
Today's speech was my second speech. For the first one, I wrote about my background - my time abroad in Japan, how I met my wife, my kids, and things like that. I decided to try a different topic today. Here's the transcript of my speech. I memorized it, so there might have been some variation. But it's the general gist of what I wrote.
The speech is intended to be 5-7 minutes. It took me around 7 minutes.
I'm not great at either format, because like I said, my communication skills are not great. Nonetheless, like anything else, I think I need to practice to improve. So, I joined the club.
Today's speech was my second speech. For the first one, I wrote about my background - my time abroad in Japan, how I met my wife, my kids, and things like that. I decided to try a different topic today. Here's the transcript of my speech. I memorized it, so there might have been some variation. But it's the general gist of what I wrote.
Speech wrote:You know who he is. You’ve met him before. Maybe it was from an online forum. Or maybe you were having an intelligent debate on Facebook. You express your opinions, your friends express theirs. The discussion is engaging, yet interesting at the same time. Then BAM! Out of nowhere, suddenly he’s flaming your mom, and telling you how global warming has contributed to bigotry in America.
Having no apparent rhyme or reason, this guy out of nowhere derails your threads, leaves provocative messages, and by and large raises your blood pressure. From the outside, it looks like he’s innocently contributing the conversation. But really, he just wants to make you angry and provoke chaos. That’s right. I’m talking about the INTERNET TROLL.
On February 10th, 1979, two students at Duke University connected to the University of North Carolina using Bourne shell scripts, leading to the creation of Usenet, a worldwide distributed Internet discussion system. Legend has it that on February 11th that year, the first Internet troll was born.
Internet trolls come in all shapes and sizes. But they have one thing in common: cheap entertainment at the expense of provoking innocent people. Yes, I know. It’s something you’ve been wanting to do.
Your dreams. Your goals. Your ambitions. Really, what good would they be if they didn’t get you banned from your favorite IRC channel???
Maybe you didn’t have the courage before. Or maybe you didn’t know how to start. Maybe you always thought you’d get around to being an Internet troll, but never had the time.
Well, today is your lucky day. I’m here to teach you a few simple techniques that you can use to start your quest toward irritating strangers that you don’t even know!
Without further ado, let’s begin.
Step #1: Find your prey.
The first step toward being a successful troll is to find a target. Internet discussion forums, message boards, and Facebook are all great resources. Sites that have a lot of traffic are nice – you’re likely to attract a lot of attention from provocative posts.
The best sites allow for anonymous accounts. That way, it’s harder for the local law enforcement authorities to locate your whereabouts.
Once you have an account setup, you’re ready to move on to…
Step #2: Finding a provocative topic.
This step is very important. They key to a provocative topic is to know your audience. You want to incite emotion from people on the topics they care about the most.
Let’s consider some examples. Starting a flame war on whether “0.99999 = 1” on a cooking forum? No (hands)
“Windows Phone vs. iPhone” on Microsoft’s Windows Phone Users Yammer group? Perfect (hands).
It doesn’t have to be a topic that you care about. In fact, it’s better if it’s not. What’s important is that the audience cares – they’re the ones you’re trying to stir up.
Step #3: Be Intentionally Ambiguous
A good troll knows that you can never be wrong, if your audience doesn’t understand what you are trying to say. Short posts that are easy to understand are a no-no. Long Internet rants that leave the reader confused, yet disagreeable, emotional, or otherwise angry, are ideal.
For example, instead of saying that you’re for or against child vaccinations, it’s much better to post a long rant about the incompetency of doctors. Whether the reader is in favor of vaccinations or not, they are likely to disagree with you. It’s even better if they’re doctors themselves. Don’t forget to use bad grammar, and an aggressive rhetoric.
Finally, Step #4 is to, Never Give Up! If you’ve found a provocative topic, there are bound to be users that can’t help but try to prove you wrong. Their arguments are probably logical and convincing. But don’t be persuaded. As a troll, you can argue *outside* the realm of logic. In fact, use logical fallacies to your advantage.
If someone is trying to persuade you that vegetarianism is healthy, try pointing out that meat is healthier than laundry detergent.
If someone argues for separation of church and state, point out that people have morals.
In trolling situations, the straw man argument is very useful: argue against points that they’re not even making.
And remember, if all else fails, it’s always helpful to make multiple accounts. Having an army of similarly minded trolls can only add to the fun.
Well, that about sums it up. With these easy techniques, you’re on your way becoming a true internet troll. It’s a tough skill to learn, but once you’ve got it, it can be very rewarding.
Godspeed as we troll one another on the interwebz.
The speech is intended to be 5-7 minutes. It took me around 7 minutes.
). Pick a random topic, think of an angle you think you can work with, talk about it for five minutes. Or as best you can. Mainly focus on having a natural flow to what you're saying and getting used to speaking "off script." Mainly remember to avoid long sentences, they'll trip you and your listeners up. Practice varying volume, pace and inflection to accent what you're saying. 
