Life In 19x19

For a long time, I didn't realize that playing go could be fun. It always seemed like a challenge to be faced or a battle to be won, never a game to be played. After ten years of struggling to improve, I basically burned out and stopped playing for about a year. During this time, I started playing chess more often. I was surprised to discover not only that playing could be fun, but also that I was able to follow the advice often given to go players: Don't worry about rank, enjoy the game and try to learn from your mistakes. It's not that I didn't care about my level - I did go so far as to read a few books, regularly do chess puzzles and try to play stronger opponents - it was just that it didn’t make me feel bad if I lost.

Go had always felt different. Go was serious. A struggle to outthink your opponent. Defeats were agonizing – so much so that I chose “agony” as my go persona, pairing it with an avatar of The Scream by Munch. Losing hurt. A loss wasn’t a learning opportunity, it was a confirmation of my deepest fears – I’m just not smart enough. Until I started playing again.

Now, all of the sudden, go is just a game, and it’s fun. Sometimes my strategy pans out, sometimes my opponent comes up with some clever answers. I’ve been playing again for about half a year, and I was surprised to find that not only did I quickly regain my old rank of 4k but lo and behold, it didn’t pain me anymore to lose. On the contrary, I had bought a new laptop that had a graphic card, and finally I could run an AI, so losing became an opportunity to see where the game went wrong, and damn if it wasn’t the most freeing experience to see that games typically showed glaring mistakes on both sides with dramatic swings and the lead often changing hands several times.

From this, I’ve developed an attitude that every one of my opponent’s moves is probably an opportunity to turn a profit somewhere, and so l do my best to take advantage where I can, and if I can’t then kudos to my opponent. So far, I’ve only been playing fast games – 10 mins + byo yomi using automatch on KGS playing with up to 4 handicap stones, and I’ve pulled out a win against a dan player twice, which I hadn’t thought I would be able to do, and of course I’ve lost to some 8ks as well. Against stronger players, I try not to die, and against weaker players I try to provoke a mistake. When it works, I usually feel pretty pleased, and when it doesn’t, I acknowledge that my opponent managed to outplay me, and load the game up in KaTrain. It’s nice to be back.

Congratulations daal! For years I've thought you were taking our beloved game too seriously. Having fun is the biggest step IMHO. Enjoy!

For me it's been able to adjust to enjoying small parts of a game as if they were a puzzle all on their own and not worrying too much about the result, rank etc. If I can one or two local fights or strategic decisions in a game where I like how I played or enjoyed puzzling out that's enough to make it worth it. Taking it too seriously at single game level is something I learned to avoid in many games (Magic the Gathering for one) but it took me far too long to relearn it for go.

I have this formula for frustration:

F = E - R, where F = frustration, E = expectations, R = reality

Nothing spectacular here, but the bigger insight is that, when you start investing time and effort into Go, your expectations rise, even if you don't formulate goals, or only intrinsic goals, not even rank improvement. Studying more then has a tendency to increase frustration.

When coming back after a long hiatus, your expectations are low. You actually expect to perform a rank or two below the level at which you dropped out. You haven't invested for a long time and so you don't expect any immediate reward. You play for fun and behold, you win more!

After a while, a renewed interest in the game may induce investment again, or you get accustomed to the easy wins and expect more of them. And become frustrated again.

That's at least my experience with on- and offboarding.

Great to see you back! And with such an improved mindset. Congrats for having overcome the agony. I hope the same happens to Fedya.

Enjoy the ride, it will take you further!

I am glad you are having fun. I am also playing in a more relaxed fashion. Maybe not so much "fun" for me as, "oh, I'm exhausted from work, so I need a break - this let's my mind think about something else"...

I guess that's fun.

Kirby wrote:I am glad you are having fun. I am also playing in a more relaxed fashion. Maybe not so much "fun" for me as, "oh, I'm exhausted from work, so I need a break - this let's my mind think about something else"...

I guess that's fun.

Sure! If it's something that gets your mind off work (without making you pull out your hair and break furniture) then it sounds like something fun.

I can fully relate to your post and also enjoy the fact that I am not taking losses that serious anymore, but instead can see them for what they really are:
Part of the game - you are expected to lose around 50% of your games. Expecting anything else would just be stupid, and yet often we still do.

One additional thought: losses still hurt, yes they do. But that's fine! Without the pain there would not be the oh so sweet feeling of victory!