A beginner's journal of little interest

EdLee · Post by **EdLee** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 2:30 am

Boidhre, take care. :-|

tchan001 · Post by **tchan001** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:28 am

hope things get under control for you quickly.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:35 am

tchan001 wrote:hope things get under control for you quickly.

Well some details:

I'm in a mixed state: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_episode

They think it was caused by Prozac and Zispin (mirtazapine).

So now I'm on Rivotril (Klonopin in the US, for the agitation/highs) and Zimovane (Zorotrope, for sleep) and an increased dose of Abilify to try and bring me down.

My sister who's a doctor thinks this is a good course of action in my situation. I'll be pretty drugged in the short term but the idea is to deaden me enough that I stay manageable and able to stay hope, not become psychotic and just wait this episode out. Unfortunately cognitive impairment and motor impairment is a side effect of these new drugs so things like go are not really an option for me like this.

Anyway, maybe there's someone out there with bipolar who might find the above interesting.

Bonobo · Post by **Bonobo** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 6:41 am

Dear Boidhre,

this is Tom aka Bonobo aka trohde, the guy who prefers slow games

I wish you power and strength for whatever you may be going through. And I wish you … self-love. Perhaps I told you (and I know I’ve written somewhere else here) about my depression and stuff … so I can empathize. Currently also going through some Online Go Anxiety (OGA).

Remember Melanie Safka aka Melanie? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hf5PnEEmOTw

The lyrics:

Have a good journey, walk on well, shine your living light, hope to see you again,

Tom in Germany

daal · Post by **daal** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:07 am

Hey Boidhre,

Your thread "A beginner's journal of little interest" has become one of the most widely read and commented here on the forum, and could hardly be less aptly named. As anonymous as such forums may be, rest assured that there are a lot of real people out here who want to hear what you have to say, and have been following your journey with interest and sympathy. Good luck regaining your balance!

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 2:01 pm

An interesting thing was said to me by an old friend: That Go was perhaps too stimulating for me as a hobby intellectually and that it could have helped drive me up as high as I've gotten. My wife countered with the point that this always happens and it's always something intellectually stimulating that I get involved in before each bad high/bad low and that there was nothing unusual about go in this regard. My psychiatrist seemed to think (she wouldn't go as far as diagnose) that I was hypomanic during this go phase, so his comments interested me. Though I strongly disagreed that go was or is bad for me because it's intellectually stimulating. I mean classical music and physics (my main shared interests with my friend, I researched under him at college and published with him) are hardly any less stimulating intellectually.

Anyway, I thought this might interest a few people given the previous chat about the causalities surrounding depression and go.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:03 pm

In an effort to keep playing despite the depression, agitation and medicating with benzos (which screw with mental function) I present the following travesty against a 7k EGF friend played in my home with the kids distracting us constantly. So less than ideal but I felt like it'd be nice to put something of what passes for go when I'm like this up here publicly to encourage other people going through bad patches to keep playing the odd game here and there.

Blunders galore from me. Forgetting that I owed a move here or there etc. As was expected. I was definitely losing focus as the game went on. Anyway, I hope this game proves amusing to someone.

EdLee · Post by **EdLee** » Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:18 pm

Still broken shapes.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:27 pm

Thanks Ed.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:20 am

So a small update:

I've improved but not far enough to be in the clear. I've 2-3 weeks to stabilise on more medication at home or I'll be sent in for another stay in hospital. Unfortunately the anti-anxiety drug they put me on isn't doing much for me even at a doubled dosage, so I'm spending more time pacing my hall than I am sitting down. But still, I'm no longer hitting the heights of mania that I was before the increase in the antipsychotic so that's a good thing and the sleeping tablets are helping me stay on a more even keel.

So we'll see how things pan out going forwards.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:00 pm

Still fairly ill. Well, still having mixed states, so one bad episode from hospital again.

I do miss the touch of the stones and the sound of the wood though (I haven't been going to the club due to agitation levels). I might get the board out tonight and try (with my impaired concentration) to play a game against an AI on my iPad for a laugh since I lack a human player this late on a Monday night to play in real life.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Thu Jul 05, 2012 5:09 am

I've tentatively started taking turns on OGS again. Hopefully my renewed interest will continue. I hope to be able to approach go in an even handed manner rather than the quite manic manner that I approached it originally. My therapists have been telling me that I was hypomanic during my previous go phase and I tend to agree with them. I'm considering going onto KGS and doing some 9x9 to get myself back into things. We'll see.

Anyway, thank you all for your kind messages during this tough period for me. Hopefully at this point I think I'll avoid hospital (yah!) and be able to ride out this episode at home.

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:41 pm

I've been working through my OGS games this evening. (I took on far too many when high) Go is almost alien to me, but it's good in that I've more of a whole board vision than I used to I think. Maybe it's because I'm healthier psychiatrically. Once the kids go to bed tonight I think I'll play a game on KGS, I'm itching for a game on a real board but that'll have to wait until Sunday most likely.

EdLee · Post by **EdLee** » Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:20 pm

Boidhre wrote:...I think I'll play a game on KGS, I'm itching for a game on a real board but...

The two are not mutually exclusive. :mrgreen:

Boidhre · Post by **Boidhre** » Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:59 am

Ok, so a friend called over to see me and check up on me and we played a game. I've put it up for review on the review forum as I want a broad selection of views on it.

Life In 19x19

A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Wishing you a good journey

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest

Re: A beginner's journal of little interest