Self-Confidence

[Kirby]

The other day, I asked a coworker how I was perceived by him at work. I wanted to know what he thought of the way I worked, my attitude, etc.

He told me that he perceived me as having low self confidence. When he said this, my immediate thought was, "So what? It doesn't matter if I show humility at work - the truth will prevail. If I really know what I'm doing at work, then it will show itself.

But I wonder about how much humility is good to have. Sometimes I do not like when others appear to lack humility, and exaggerate their abilities. I do not want to be this way, so I feel that I am being humble when I act modest about what I know - or admit my uncertainty in a particular area.

But I wonder if this is the right thing to do at a company. Is what I feel to be humility really simply a lack of self-confidence?

And if I'm lacking self-confidence, how do I get some?

[Li Kao]

I got the same impression from watching your malko games. Especially the older ones.

Being humble one knows what one doesn't know. But you should also think of what you do know.

[Toge]

"Rank: Malkovich 17k"

That's one thing that often strikes my eye. You no longer have rank of KGS, but you've beaten 2ds on even game in the past. Why do you denigrate your abilities like that? Frankly I think it hides prideful feelings. If you're playing a game and lose it, which line your opponent would like to hear from you:

"You played well, I lost fair and square."
"I'm just so weak, I made mistakes and failed. It's no surprise you won."

Two sides of coin. One is good-mannered, the other bordering offensive. Lack of self-confidence is negative aura like this. Not only does it bring down your self, it bring down other people around you as well.

[Kirby]

... the other bordering offensive. Lack of self-confidence is negative aura like this. Not only does it bring down your self, it bring down other people around you as well.

I had not considered this. Thank you for bringing it up.

[Solomon]

Learn to not give a damn what people think about you. That, and hitting the gym.

[xed_over]

low self confidence and humility are not the same.

it is possible to have high self confidence and still be humble about it.

[EdLee]

Kirby:

RF.jpg (22.67 KiB) Viewed 12926 times

"You played well, I lost fair and square."
"I'm just so weak, I made mistakes and failed. It's no surprise you won."

Here's a third side of the coin:
"I was doing great the whole time; you played terribly -- I only lost because of a silly mistake." <-- One of the worst attitudes IMO.

And if I'm lacking self-confidence, how do I get some?

One way: confidence comes from the ability to do something. Well.

[daal]

And if I'm lacking self-confidence, how do I get some?

In another thread you started, Gowan recommended a book called Fight Your Fear and Win by Don Greene. In the context of this thread, I'll recommend it again because the book offers practical strategies to deal with your fears, and fear of failing and so forth is what underlies a lack of self-confidence.

[snorri]

You can do what you want, of course, but you are in an industry that literally rewards arrogance, so being perceived as having low self-confidence isn't going to work in your favor. That doesn't mean that you have to go way off to the other extreme, but a combination of being optimistic and also generous with praise tends not to upset people. Toot your own horn, you must---but if you also celebrate others' successes, you can avoid coming off as a jerk.

If you look at a lot of companies' web pages, a ridiculous fraction of them will contain a phrase like "X is the leading provider of Y" when truthfully, no such claim can be made. But somehow this is accepted. It's like saying "world's best donuts." You can't have a brand that says, "We're pretty small and are just kind of flying by the seat of our pants right now. Please hire us!"

To me, your attitude toward go often shows that you are hard-working, tenacious and no-nonsense. Those are positives even if other things creep in. If that is true and you also see yourself that way, you can lead with that and still have humility in the right places and it would be a fine personal brand. A personal brand starts with examining your core values. That way it will seem less like a facade or an act and more authentic. But in the end, it's still kind of an act.

It sounds really cool to say that you don't care what others think, but the truth is that if you depend on other people for anything, what they think does matter. If you want people to invest in your ideas, what they think matters. If you want help in your career, what they think matters.

[tj86430]

As others have already pointed out, I think humility is one thing and low self-confidence is another. Humility has more to do about how you act towards others, whereas self-confidence is how you feel about yourself. You can have extremely high self-confidence, yet be very humble (although it may be rare).

Usually, it is good to have a high (but not unrealistically high) self-confidence, because it helps you to perform to the maximum of your abilities. I do not know if it can be learned, I have always believed it is more or less a part of your personality. I do know, that your environment can boost or hurt your self-confidence though; if you get constant positive feedback, your self-confidence is likely to grow, OTOH, if your get constant negative feedback, it will probably be hurt (but within the limits set by your personality)

Humility is entirely different, but somewhat correlating, thing. If you have low self-confidence, you are very likely to appear humble (because your self-confidence doesn't "allow" anything else). OTOH people with high self-confidence can be humble, but can also be very pompous and arrogant. Usually it is considered good behavior to act humble, but sometimes too much humility can be a bad thing, too (e.g. if you are in a meeting where someone more senior than you suggests something stupid, the humble person may say nothing, while the less humble may contradict him).

Finally two important disclaimers:
1. I do nothing about psychology, the above is solely what I think about the subject
2. English is not my native language, so the above is based on my understanding of what words like "humble" and "self-confident" mean.

[Mivo]

ou can't have a brand that says, "We're pretty small and are just kind of flying by the seat of our pants right now. Please hire us!"

I think you could. In fact, I believe many customers are sick and tired of the "We are the best!" and "Our products are #1 in the world!" slogans. Same old, tired, exaggerated stuff that everyone knows is almost never true, and it's a little insulting to the potential customer's intelligence.

I'd also never hire someone who displays (usually fake) self-confidence that borders to arrogance. People who know what they do (and do it), yes. People who are all talk, show and "look at me!", no. I like real people, and while I agree that Kirby could need some "hey, I'm actually a pretty cool, competent, intelligent and above all: sensitive and sensible guy" thinking, I much prefer his "quieter" approach over people who hide behind a facade or wear a mask half the time you interact with them.

[daal]

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

[hyperpape]

There's a line of thought that no humble man thinks he is humble, only someone who is arrogant or depressed thinks so.

I don't agree, but I'll throw it out there.

[daniel_the_smith]

I think I said it before in a similar thread, but I'll try again. I don't agree with your usage of "humble". Deliberately downplaying your abilities is not humility. Humility, in my mind, involves being completely honest with yourself about your abilities. How would you treat a coworker/go player with your accomplishments? Granted, it is hard to be objective about that. But you don't appear to be trying, you seem to be actively trying to believe you're worse at things than you actually are.

That, IMO, is your brain's way of making you feel good when you subsequently get an average (for you) result. It's like politicians claiming Iowa doesn't matter, or that they don't expect to do well there-- so that when they get an average result everyone will be impressed. That's not humility, it's managing expectations. Your brain is playing politics with you.

Humble people, in my book, are people that know exactly how good they are at whatever. They use that knowledge to consciously avoid lording it over you if they are better than you at a task, and don't sulk in the corner about it if they are worse than you at a task. The point is to avoid hurting the feelings of others unnecessarily. If someone is offended just by you having superior skills, that is their problem and not something you should try to fix by pretending to be worse than you are.

[flOvermind]

As others have already pointed out, I think humility is one thing and low self-confidence is another. Humility has more to do about how you act towards others, whereas self-confidence is how you feel about yourself. You can have extremely high self-confidence, yet be very humble (although it may be rare).

I disagree.

Excessive bragging is often a sign of low self-confidence: You constantly try to show others how good you are. But mostly, you're trying to show it to yourself, because you're not sure whether you're really any good.
Humility often naturally arises from extremely high self-confidence: Why should you tell someone how good you are? No need to point out the obvious.

Of course, the other two combinations exist, too, but I actually think the two "opposite" combinations are far more common, at least if the so-called "self-confidence" is real